Brandon "This is a Charity Shirt" Perna

Since I retired from my teaching gig at the University, I think I've been in a real rut. Like I've lost my passion for leading a zestful life. As this is the one-year anniversary of my retirement, I found myself in a real funk. Cast adrift in a sea of increasing mediocrity, and irrelevance. No longer on the cutting edge of modern science. Destined to living out my days as an itinerant Medical Doctor/Mathematical Theoretical Physicist, living a hardscrabble, hand to mouth existence. Solving Partial differentials for a dollar here. Deriving Schrödinger's equation from scratch for a quarter there. Five inguinal hernia checks for a nickle. (Turn your head and cough. NOT ON ME!) Pretty bleak outlook, let me tell you.
That was until I preordered my Brandon Perna Charity Tee-Shirt. Was it expensive? Not if you consider how much good it will do. Plus, you get a shirt with Brandon's picture on it. (Women, Men, do with that what you will. We all do it, so no judgements here. After all, objectively, he is pretty cute, don’t ya think? I mean, it would take three of him to make one of me, but that just makes him Fun Sized in my book.) This is a Tee-shirt that will do more than keep you warm at night. Why that's a bargain at twice the price!
Now I'm reinvigorated. I've started back on my research into a method to use an Eight-Dimensional, 240 Root-Vector Hypercube Lattice using simple Lee Algebras, to correspond to known elements of The Standard Model, and, perhaps more importantly, to guide research into the discovery of yet unknown particles. Think tachyon, if you follow Star Trek, for an example.
I know that all this doesn't sound like that much to most of you, but it sure seems to keep me pretty busy. My father never taught me how to fish, so that's not an option. And, after all, I went through all the trouble to get all of these stupid degrees, I might as well use ‘em. Good thing I’m not an experimental physicist, or I’d be fornicated here, but I fear I digress.
Buy Brandon Perna’s Charity Tee Shirts. Heck, buy four of ‘em. You know you can afford it. Doctors orders.
Later taters.
xoxoxo
dr c
Post Scriptum: Go Chefs!

1. Purchase $69 T-shirt for charity.
2. When wife asks, tell her it's a NFL youtuber you follower.
3. When wife asks, giggle while saying $69
4. After receiving sufficient verbal feedback, inform wife 100% of proceeds went to charity.
5. Enjoy the feeling of finally winning a spousal argument.

I used to be unable to grow facial hair. An unfortunate genetic predisposition that has plagued my love life for decades.

That was until...I got this shirt.

As I opened it, my senses were flooded with the musk of manliness. My hair follicles, which were once desolate, were now filled with with hair as thick as a rainforest.

In 24 hours, I had amassed a face bush that would put a lumberjack to shame.

Since purchasing this shirt, my libido has returned and my Tinder matches have increased 690%.

I reconciled with my grandfather, who served in Vietnam and told me "you're too soft". Now, he asks me how he can become a grizzled man, like me.

So thank you Brandon Perna. This shirt has truly saved my life.

It's also super comfy.